Twenty-Somethings Guide to Dating

Ok, your 20’s are in full swing and my guess is you are looking for someone. Someone special. Someone that catches your eye as well as your heart. That is so great! However, before you rush out on a series of dates and fall in love. Take a few minutes to read, ponder, and apply these next 10 tips. I think you will be glad you did. 

1. Take it slow. 

What is the hurry?  You aren’t going anywhere - they aren’t going anywhere. Don’t go so fast.

"Decisions that are made quickly are quickly regretted."

Other than surrendering your life to Jesus - Who you tie your heart to is the most foundational decision you will ever make. So take your time. The world is not going to have a man and woman shortage anytime soon. Take it slow. 

2. Master the Basics. 

Relationships are like a house - you have to have a good foundation. To build that foundation - here are some questions you need to have answers for. 

Do you believe the same things about faith - God - eternity?

Are you both going the same direction in life - location - goals?

Do you make each other better? Does this person bring out the best in you? Draw you closer to Jesus?  Or do they bring tension and stress?  When you are with them, do you find yourself making decisions you regret or decisions that make you better?

The only way you can find out the answer to these questions is by mastering the fundamental of talking. Far too many people spend more time looking at each other, a movie screen, or their phone on a date rather than talking. 

Far too many people spend a lot of time touching (holding hands - kissing - and other physical activities that hormone filled 20somethigns do) but not enough time talking. You have to master the art of TALKING to find out if this person is really for you. 

3. Get to know the person not the body.  

Studies have shown us through the years that relationships that are built on physical touch, do not last very long. Because of this, don’t get physical. Get to know who they are as a person and what they believe, not just their body. You know you are attracted to them, but do you know if you are comparable?

4. Don't take it so serious. 

Here is some good advice – relax. You like them and they like you, but you are not married yet.  So don’t act like it.  Have fun. Don't be so serious. 

5. Look for Chemistry not romance. 

All great teams have chemistry.  You are looking for a great teammate so find someone that you can talk with, laugh with and hang out with for long periods of time. Chemistry is the key word. Romance is a feeling that with the right lighting - right food - right atmosphere - can be manipulated to make a special moment and then it's gone, but chemistry is something that last. 

6. Date only Christians

Scripture teaches that two people cannot walk together unless they are going in the same direction.  I know he looks great in those jeans - I know her legs are incredible - but are her legs following Jesus! What does it profit a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul. You never want to tie yourself to somone emotionally that is not going the same spiritual direction as you. 

7. Set good boundaries. 

Boundaries do not hold you back, boundaries, set you free.  So before you go out on a big date, clearly define your personal boundaries on physical touch and other important issues.

8. Save sex for when you are married. 

Sex is a wonderful thing.  But, it is not for you.  Not right now.

God says to save sex for the marriage covenant not because he wants to keep you from having fun … he wants to protect you.

I know this is such an archaic view compared to todays standards. But look around you. Is how we are walking out sexual expression in America working? Nope! So maybe you should live out your sexuality in a different way. Maybe you should try Gods way. God says that Sex is not something people that love each other do, sex is something that people in convenent relationship of marriage do. 

9. Pursue Jesus more than you pursue a person. 

In relationships, who you are will determine who you need. Because of this, seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added unto you. When you find out who Jesus is and who you are in Him. Who you are will determine who you need as a teammate in life. 

10. Never Settle. 

Never settle for someone who is not a believer. Never settle for living together over marriage. Marriage is beautiful fulfilling 

You are the head and not the tale! Jesus did not die for you to settle. Jesus died for you to soar! Become who christ has called you to be and you will find who Christ has called you to marry. 

Lift Your Leadership Notes: If I were a great leader I would ....

You are the light of the world - you are a city set upon a hill - let your light so shine before men that they see your good works and glorify your father in heaven 

Every person here has been called by God to do great things. 

Deuteronomy 28  And if you faithfully obey the voice of the Lord your God, being careful to do all his commandments that I command you today, the Lord your God will set you high above all the nations of the earth. And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, if you obey the voice of the Lord your God.  Blessed shall you be in the city, and blessed shall you be in the field. Blessed shall be the fruit of your womb and the fruit of your ground and the fruit of your cattle, the increase of your herds and the young of your flock. Blessed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl. Blessed shall you be when you come in, and blessed shall you be when you go out.

We see all of these guys / ladies doing great things - shining a light - how do we do the same thing?  I know what to do - you know what do to - the question is will we do it. 

So today I’m going to do a talk titled If I were a great leader I would …. 

Lead myself well. 

- Feed myself the word of God.

- Spend one hour per day mastering my craft. 

- Workout at least 30 minutes per day. 

- Have a hobby. 

Lead my family well. 

-  Date Days

-  Time with kids 

-  Phone off by 7pm every night 

-  Enjoy every day because tomorrow comes to quickly

Know the answer to the three most important questions of life. 

Leadership is influence nothing more and nothing less. 

Answering three questions will give you influence - allow you to lead. 

Who am I?

Why am I here?

Where am I going?

Look at the Apostle Paul

Who am I?   I am Apostle

Why am I here?      To be all things to all men might win some

Where am I going?    Forgetting the past I am pressing on to the high calling in Christ

Look at the Partier from back in your High School Days. 

This guys never went to a party alone ... why? He could answer these three questions. 

Who am I?    I am a partier

Why am I here?   I am here to party

Where am I going?   I am going to a party - do you want to go?

Look at Jesus himself

Who am I?   I am the way truth and life

Why am I here?   I am here to seek and save the lost

Where am I going?   I am going to to prepare a place for you 

Let me ask you ...

Who are you?

Why are you here?

Where are you going?

Say "yes" less and "no" more often. 

We have one thing we need to accomplish. But we start saying yes to helping them, going there, hosting that, and before you know it we are doing so many things we aren't doing anything well. 

Great leaders are driven by principle, not by desire to please people. 

Do what I do best and delegate the rest. 

So much that needs to be done every week in life and ministry. You and I think we can do everything. But we cant! 

We need to - Do less, so we can do better. 

How to delegate?

1. Speak it verbally.  

2. Spell it out in writing.

3. Slowly release it to them. 

Hear before I speak. 

James 1:19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;

Don’t just listen - hear - to many times we listen to the sound someone is making with their mouth - but we don’t hear them - hear their pain - hear their excitement - hear what they are really saying. Far too often, we are too busy wanting to hear ourselves speak that we don’t really hear others 

Three tips for hearing.

1. Put phone down 

2. Look in the eye 

3. Don't be afraid to ask, "Can you tell me that again."

Don’t speak about how things are, but how they should be. 

James 3:3-4  If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs.

Power in words - James - your words take you where your are going. 

If all you do is talk about how things are … your words will keep you where you are

We can’t get volunteers 

Our volunteers never contact us back

We just don’t have the money 

I don’t know what to do 

All of these statements ... take you right back to where you currently are. They don't move you forward. 

Every great leader at the end of a problem … asks a question. 

How can we get volunteers - What can we do to hear back from them - What can I do to get more money - 

Don’t speak about how things are … ask questions … and speak howthey are going to be

Dream Big then get off the couch. 

God wants to do big things through us ... no just for us. 

Ephesians 3:20 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us,

Every time in history (other than creation) that God did something ... he always used a person. 

Moses - David - Esther - God did big things through them … not for them 

God works through us .... not just for us. 

Proverbs 10:4 A slack hand causes poverty, but the hand of the diligent makes rich.

What could God do in your family - ministry - house - church …. he could do amazing things - if you allow him to do it through you 

Build a team to accomplish everything. 

Nothing great ever happens alone … it only happens through a team. 

Build a team to accomplish everything. 

Ephesians 4:11-12 And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ,

Team to prepare messages 

Team to do worship 

Team to handle finances

Team to clean the house - you don;t have to do it alone 

Team to set up and tear down 

Team to coordinate volunteers 

The work that leaders do is prepare others to do the work. Leaders build teams and by doing so we help people find their place … and things get accomplished. 

If I were a Great leader I would …. know I can’t do all of these at the same time. So I will pick two and begin applying them over the next two months. 

The steps of the righteous are ordered by the Lord 

We over estimate what we can do in a day - and underestimate what we can do in a lifetime.

Go back through these 9 points. Find one thing that you are dong well at. Find two things you need to improve on. Make these two your focus for the next two months.  

Considering Ministry? Here are six things you need to know. (Don't read this if you are easily offended.)

Make up your mind. 

What do you want to do? Do you want to serve? Do you want to preach? Do you want to plant a church? I don't know what you want to do, but I do know what you need to do. You need to make up your mind! For God's sake and for the sake of those around you, stop vacillating between, I do and I don't, God called me, but nows not a good time. There is a community full of people that need help, need love, and need hope. Are you in or out? Make up your mind. 

If you want something, go get it. 

What do you want? Go get it! We live in America. You can do almost anything you want to do. You can accomplish almost anything you want to accomplish. You can get almost anything you want to get. But no one is going to give it to you. Let me say that again, no one is going to give it to you! If you want something, you are going to have to go get it. 

It won't be easy. 

Leading a group of people, starting a ministry, finishing a project, or making a difference will never be easy. More often than not, it will be a tough, depressing, and hard. If anyone tells you differently they are lying to you! To accomplish anything you are going to have to push through pain, have faith in the midst of failure, and get used to disappointment. It won't be easy, but it will always be worth it. 

You are not going to be the next big thing.  

Sorry to burst your bubble but you're not. Steven Furtick is not going to call you. Relevant magazine is not going to do an article. You won't be hitting the speaking circuit and sharing the stage with the likes of Judah Smith, Chad Veach,  or John Gray. You are going to be a good leader, at a good ministry, that's making an eternal impact in the lives of people. That's it. That's what's going to happen. Welcome to the ministry. 

Stop making excuses.

I'm too busy. I've been hurt by other leaders. I just don't feel like it's a good time. Enough already! Has God called you or not?  Moses was a murderer who could not speak well, Paul was basically a well educated terrorist, and Peter was a fishermen with no formal training in ministry. Yet when God called them, they followed. It's never going to be a good time, people will consistently disappoint you, and there will never be a day in your life where you're not busy. But none of those things change the fact that God saved you from your sin to fulfill His purpose. Stop making excuses and start making a difference. 

You can do this. 

You are selling yourself short. You think you are not ready, but you are. You think you don't have what it takes, but you do. You think because you have failed before, you are going to fail again. No! The same power that raised Christ from the dead, now dwells in you. It's not your calling, it's His. It's not your talent, it's His. It's not your will power, it's His. You can do this, not because of who you are, but because of who He is! 

These 10 statements have helped me. Maybe they will help you.

1. If I tell people what they need to hear, in a way they want to hear it, they might just change. 

2. My talent and $1 will get me a cheap cup of coffee. (and I hate coffee) 

3. Mediocrity is accepted it is not created. 

4. I will never accomplish anything by simply thinking about it.

5. People don’t listen to what I say they listen to what I do.

6. If I follow my leader well, others people will follow me. 

7. Money follows vision, not need.

8. I don't need what great people have.  I need to do what great people have done. 

9. I will never get help unless I ask.

10. Honesty, Humility, and Hard Work don't cost me anything, but they will get me everything. 

Too much of a good thing, is not a good thing.

The other day I came across this photo of my daughter Lilly. It was taken several years ago on a night where some close family members had came down to spend a few days with us at our home in Oklahoma. 

We had a ton of fun. We stayed up late every night talking and playing cards. We loved it.  My Uncle makes killer egg rolls, so one night we decided to have him make them for dinner.  There was only 10 of us total and Uncle Jim made 75 egg rolls, a monster bowl of fried rice, and a huge pot of egg drop soup.  

We ate and ate and ate and ate some more.  It was all good, but it was a little too much.  By the time it was over I had had my fill of egg rolls to such the extent that even the sight of chinese food or egg rolls, made me a little queasy for months! I had no interest in having them....at all.

Sometimes we can have too much of a good thing.

This is true not only with food but also in youth ministry. Think about it for a minute.

Your worship might be good, but do you really need to sing the same song 8 times in a row?  

Your message might be incredible, but do you need dive into 15 points of faith in the same night? 

Dodgeball is a game that students love, but do you have to play it every single week?  

I don't think so.

Pace yourself.  Leave them wanting more and who knows they just might come back next week.

For more training and tips go to YOUTH MINISTRY UNIVERSITY.